Game of Thrones: The Rains of Castamere

Heads up... This is a long one. It's a long episode; an important episode and it's hard to not skip any minor detail all things considering.

PS: If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.

Remember, this is not a spoiler-free zone.

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Across the Narrow Sea:

A great penis measuring contest begins as Daario makes his affections for Daenerys obvious right in front of Jorah. And despite his character being kind of an ego boosted douchebag in the books . . . he's just . . . so pretty in the show. So pretty. And also age appropriate for our Mother of Dragons. 

Daario talks of a way into Yunkai that with a few of Daenerys' best men, they can open the gates and sack the city with great ease. Jorah vocalized his suspicion of Daario, who defends himself by saying that in his experience only dishonest men think in such a way. Regardless, with Grey Worm's trust of Daario, Daenerys sends he and Jorah with the leader of the Second Sons into the city of Yunkai. Ser Barristan offers to come along, but Jorah refuses, insisting that his place is protecting their Queen. Daario, Jorah and Grey Worm sneak into Yunkai and are immediately faced with many more guards than they'd expected. We're finally able to see Grey Worm and Daario in action and neither disappoint! Upon returning to camp, Jorah and Grey Worm eagerly inform Dany about their victory, smile upon face. While clearly pleased with the news, Dany is struck with the obvious missing person and asks, "And Daario Naharis?" practically making Jorah weep in the process. 

But no worries, Dany! Daario is alive and well! And still very, very pretty. Even covered in blood.

In the North:

It's all wall all the time! 

Sam and Gilly head south toward the Wall.

Bran, Rickon, Jojen, Meera, Osha and Hodor head north toward the Wall.

Jon, Ygritte and the Wildlings head south away from the wall.

Unfortunately for Jon, the time comes to prove himself to the Wildlings when they happen upon a horse breeder. The man, who is under the protection of the Nightswatch is alerted to the attack by Jon but is eventually run down to an abandoned mill by Tormund. Orell insists that Jon be the one to kill the man to prove himself loyal, but before Jon can do it (though it looked like he wasn't going to) Ygritte steps in and kills him. Jon and Ygritte are both ordered dead.

Just inside the old mill, Bran and his band of merry misfits take shelter from the storm outside (and from the approaching Wildlings). Thunder begins to scare Hodor who starts screaming. To avoid attracting attention from outside, Bran uses his warg abilities to jump into Hodors mind and knock him out cold. With the Wildlings still fighting outside, Bran is encouraged to jump into Summer, and with a lot of coaxing he does.

Outside, Jon faces off against Orell who just before his own death, leaps into the mind of his bird and then flies down and attacks Jon, scratching his face. Luckily several other Wildlings are held off as Bran - inside of Summer - jumps to aid Jon in the fight. Free of Orell and the bird, Jon takes a horse and rides away leaving a shocked Ygritte behind with Tormund.

Back inside the mill, now safe from the Wildlings Bran is informed by Osha and Jojen that no warg has ever been able to jump into a human before, not even north of the wall. Realizing the danger that they're all in and how important it is to find the three-eyed raven, Bran asks Osha to take Rickon and Shaggydog to the Last Hearth, the home of the Umber family where Rickon will be safe if something should happen to Bran. It's one last goodbye between Stark siblings, and now they're all separated into their own corners of the world. 

The Twins:

King Robb seeks advice from his mother about his plans to attack Casterly Rock. Despite knowing that their entire plan hangs on trusting Lord Walder Frey, Cat agrees to take the Lannisters home so that they will know what it's like to lose everything. At the Twins, Robb and his family and man take bread and salt from Walder Frey, a symbol of protection under the Lord and his House. Robb begs forgiveness for breaking his oath of marriage to one of Frey's daughters or granddaughters. Lord Frey insists that Robb apologize to the women themselves. Walder asks to see for himself the woman that Robb took as his Queen instead of one of his own children, and with Talisa before him, Walder makes rude comments about her body, insisting, "When I was your age, I'd have broken fifty oaths to get into that."

With the Frey girls all in plain view, Edmure gets more and more uneasy about his approaching wedding to one of them as none are up to the beauty standards he would have in a wife. Unfortunately for Edmure, the wedding is set to begin with Robb's army waiting outside the great hall. 

On their way to the Twins, Arya and the Hound approach a cart merchant who the Hound knocks unconscious and attempts to kill in order to commandeer his cart to provide a disguise into the wedding. Arya pleads for the man's life. Sandor says that Arya is very kind, and one day it will get her killed. Once they are close enough to see the Twins, Arya becomes afraid and the Hound takes notice. 

Sandor: You check every five minutes like you're afraid they're going to move.
Arya: I'm not afraid.
Sandor: Of course you are. You're almost there. And you're afraid you won't make it. The closer you get, the worse the fear gets. No point in trying to hide behind that face. I know fear when I see it. I've seen it a lot.
Arya: I knew fear when I saw it in you. You're afraid of fire. When Berrics sword went up in flames you looked like a scared little girl. And I know why too. I heard what your brother did to you. Pressed your face to the fire like you were a nice juicy mutton chop.
Sandor: That give you some ideas?
Arya: Might do.
Sandor: Go ahead then. Might get away. Might even make it there on your own. They're just over the river. Closest you've been to family since Illyn Payne snipped your Daddy's neck.
Arya: Some day, I'm gonna put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull 

No joke. I had to put that whole dialogue right there because it is amazing. For a split second, the Hound jumps down to her level of teasing and picking, as best he can and then suddenly this little Stark girl becomes frightening. And you can see it in his face. And it's amazing.

Inside the Twins, Walder Frey marries his daughter Roslin to Edmure Tully, who is more than happy to receive her once her veil is removed and she's proved to be far more beautiful than any of her sisters or nieces. With the wedding over, the celebration begins. Edmure enjoys being doted on by his new bride, Catelyn entertains her uncle, the Blackfish and Roose Bolton, and Robb enjoys a moment with his wife who decides that when they have a son, his name will be Eddard.  Unlike Tyrion and Sansa's wedding, this one goes forth with the traditional bedding ceremony as Roslin and Edmure are carried out of the hall, clothes being torn from their bodies. 

With bride and groom escorted away, (and the Blackfish off finding a tree to piss on) the doors are locked behind them and the band begins to play 'The Rains of Castamere' a well known Lannister victory song. Catelyn immediately looks suspicious and turns to Roose Bolton who reveals that he's wearing chainmail. Realizing they've been betrayed, Catelyn tries to warn her son but it's too late and archers rain down arrows on the Starks from above just as a man stabs Talisa repeatedly in the stomach.

Outside, Arya sneaks away from the Hound to find her mother and brother, only to watch in horror as Robb's men are slaughtered outside. Desperate to find a friend or family member, Arya hears Grey Wind barking inside a locked stable. But before she has a chance to free him, the direwolf is killed by several archers. Before she can get to her family, the Hound finds her and clubs her in the head in order to get her away safely.

Taking an arrow in the shoulder herself, Catelyn crawls across the room where she finds Walder Frey's young wife hiding underneath a table. Grabbing the girl by the hair, she drags her into the open and puts a blade to her throat, threatening her in order to hopefully spare her sons life. She pleads for Robb to run, but with his wife and child dead and his own wounds preventing him, Robb calls out, "Mother?" before being stabbed through the chest by Roose Bolton himself saying, "The Lannisters send their regards."

With what she believes is her last living child killed before her eyes, Catelyn in a rage murders Walder Frey's wife, screaming out in grief just before she herself is killed.

And just to rub salt in the wound, there isn't even any music during the credits. As though they really wanted us to reflect on what just happened. They call it The Red Wedding. It's something fans have been dreading for months. The Amazing Spider-Matt has never had much love for Cat or Robb in the first place, but once it was over, he turned to me and said, "I know I've been an ass about The Red Wedding, but that was horrible."

Though there were quite a few changes from book to show this episode, I'm not going to comment on them out of respect for the dead.

Best Character: It seems almost disrespectful not to pick Catelyn. Even if you dislike the character (and I did for a long while), you have to give it up for Michelle Fairley in this episode during her portrayal of Cat watching her eldest son die, and then living out her last moments in complete violent rebellion. 

Best Line: "Keep this one safe, he means the world to me." Osha. I know in a Robb/Cat centered episode I should be focusing on all the great and sad moments at the Twins, but I don't want to. I've been prepared for the Red Wedding since I read it in the book, and frankly I'd rather focus on the good moments of the episode, and for some reason I was massively touched by Osha's affection for Bran in this moment as she tells to Reed children to take care of him.

We'll see you next Sunday for the season finale of Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones: Second Sons

It's been a crazy few weeks filled with lots of busy-work and lazy-work. And despite the pain I feel over recent Game of Thrones episodes, I'm determined to post the recaps for you all.

Remember, this is not a spoiler-free zone.

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Riverlands:

Arya, recently kidnapped by the Hound stands over Sandor's body with a large rock in hand, ready to strike. Waking up, he warns her, "I'll give you one try girl. Kill me and you're free. But if I live, I'll break both your hands." Choosing wisely, Arya puts down the rock. The two mount Clegane's horse and head on the road where the Hound tells Arya about the time he saved Sansa from a group of rapists and murderers. Arya asks if the body of water ahead is the Blackwater, to which the Hound responds, "Where do you think I'm taking you?" Assuming she was being returned to Kings Landing, Arya is happy to find out that Sandor is taking her to  the Twins, where her mother and brother are attending the wedding of Edmure Tully and Roslin Frey.

Across the Narrow Sea:

Daenerys is informed that the Yunkai have sought assistance from a group of mercenaries called the Second Sons. Dany meets with the leaders of the Second Sons: Mero of Braavos, called "The Titan's Bastard", Prendahl na Ghezn, and a Tyroshi called Daario Naharis. Mero leaves a bitter first impression by making inappropriate advances toward Missandei, which prompts Dany to request that Ser Barristan kill him first should they meet in battle. She requests that the Second Sons turn and fight for her and gives them two days to make a decision.

In their own camp, the three men speak alone about the problem Daenerys causes. Mero decides that Dany must be killed, and one of them will do it by sneaking into her camp at night and slipping past her Unsullied army. When the men draw for the job, it falls on Daario Naharis to make the kill. Daario enters Dany's tent late at night while she is being bathed (and educated in her Dothraki tongue) by Missandei. Daario tells Dany about the plot to kill her and then shows her the heads of Mero and Prendahl na Ghezn, then swears his loyalty to her cause.

Dragonstone:

Melissandre brings Gendry to Dragonstone where he meets his uncle, Stannis Barratheon for the first time who claims, "Half Robert, half low-born." Gendry is then offered chambers, wine and food. Stannis questions Melissandre's kindness to the boy, and she says that when slaughtering a lamb, if the lamb sees the knife and panics, the flavor in the meat spoils. Later, Stannis goes to visit Ser Davos who questions Melissandre's intentions to sacrifice Gendry. Knowing that Gendry is Stannis' nephew, he pleads with his King to spare the boy. Stannis ignores his plea, but frees him with the condition that he will never try to kill Melissandre again. 

In Gendry's chambers, Melissandre visits to feed him wine and other delights (like herself) and Gendry is enjoying it as much as the rest of us aren't. Seriously, massive creepiness. We've got women in King's Landing sleeping with their brothers and cousins, and now we've got priestesses in Dragonstone sleeping with uncles and nephews. Game of Thrones: fun for the whole family! Anyway . . . Melissandre ends up tying Gendry to the bed and placing leeches on him, an attempt to prove to Stannis (and Davos) the worth of a King's blood. The leeches are then sacrificed while uttering curses against the usurpers Robb Stark, Baelon Greyjoy and Joffrey Barratheon. 

Kings Landing:

Sansa readies for her wedding, as her betrothed (Tyrion) arrives to offer her condolences and wine. In the Sept of Baelor, Margaery tries to befriend Cersei after hearing news that the two will be "sisters" soon as Loras Tyrell is set to marry Cersei. The Queen Regent takes a moment to educate her new "sister" on the story behind the popular song, 'The Rains of Castamere'. A family, the Reynes sought to make themselves more powerful and wealthy by rebelling against the Lannisters. Tywin slaughtered House Reyne leaving their bodies hung on the gates of Casterly Rock during the long summer. Cersei then turns to Margaery and says, "If you ever call me sister again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep."

Ready to walk down the aisle, Sansa is shocked and horrified as Joffrey steps in her father's place as she no longer has a father and he is the father of the realm. The wedding, silent and mournful proceeds as Sansa stands beside Tyrion, who is then denied a stool by Joffrey to publicly mock him as he struggles to cloak his new bride in his House colors.

And this is where things get a little iffy in regards to Book vs Show. In the book, the wedding is told through Sansa's perspective. When Tyrion tugs at her dress, pleading with her to kneel so that he can cloak her, Sansa refuses multiple times. Since it's told from her perspective you can understand her reasoning. She's been a prisoner this whole time. Brutalized by Joffrey and his guards, only to be married off to a Lannister who might as well be the bastard of the Lannister family. Refusing to kneel is Sansa's one last act of rebellion. The one thing she can do. Of course we can't tell that in the show, and since Tyrion is kind of a fan favorite, having Sansa be the bad guy in the situation wouldn't do her character any good - hence the change.

The wedding feast begins and Tyrion gets a head start on drinking while Sansa sits by and watches in horror as her new husband makes a drunken fool of himself. Angered by his behavior, Tywin lets Tyrion know that no matter how he behaves, he will do his duty as a husband and put a child in Sansa and quickly. Down the table, Lady Olenna mocks her grandchildren Loras and Margaery who will soon be father-in-law and daughter-in-law as well as brother and sister when they marry Cersei and Joffrey. When Sansa steps away from Tyrion, Joffrey takes a moment to torture her one last time, insisting that if Tyrion were unable to put a child in her, perhaps he would do the job for him - pointing out that just because she is married to someone else, makes her no less of a prisoner to him.

Joffrey soon insists upon the bedding ceremony, a tradition where brides are carried off by male guests while their dresses are torn from their bodies and the groom is treated likewise by the female guests. Offended by the notion of his child bride being treated thus, Tyrion threatens Joffrey's manhood and Tywin has to step in to save his son from treason. Tyrion escorts his new bride off to the bedchamber, where he informs her that he will never share her bed unless she asks him to.

Beyond the Wall:

Sam continues trying to keep Gilly and her baby safe, insisting that the boy needs a name. Educating Gilly on the differences between first names and surnames, Sam pleads with her not to name the child after his father when he mistakenly speaks the name. Outside, a massive flock of ravens gather on a large tree squawking loudly like a giant security alarm. When Samwell goes outside to investigate, the birds grow silent. That's when he sees it: a giant White Walker, approaching. Sam attempts to defend himself and his charges, but the White Walker grabs Sams sword which then cracks into a million pieces and then tosses him aside. Reaching for the only weapon he has left - the dragonglass - Sam stabs the White Walker in the back and watches as he falls to his knees and dies, his body crumbling and blowing away in the wind.

Best Character: Tyrion. His performance was amazing this episode.

Best Line: "I am the god of tits and wine." Tyrion

Game of Thrones: The Climb / The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Sincere apologies for being incredibly behind in my recap/review of Game of Thrones. Been sick lately.

Remember, this is not a spoiler-free zone.

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The last few episodes, while lacking in dramatic explosions, violent fights, or surprising scenes have been some of the best character development that I think has gone on this season. There have still been several issues regarding book/show continuity, but I'm not going to bother with that in this recap because it puts such a downer on things when really, this show is amazing and should be celebrated and/or bitched about on it's own, without the book to help with the bitching.

Beyond the Wall:

Samwell and Gilly are on their way back to Castle Black with a baby in tow after fleeing Crasters Keep. Gilly discovers that Sam is high born. He tells her all about the wall, what life is like at Castle Black and he shares with her his "buried treasure", (the dragonglass dagger found last season) and a song from the Seven Kingdoms.

At the base of the Wall, the Wildlings and Jon Snow prepare the 700 foot climb. Ygritte reveals to Jon that she knows where his true loyalty lies (with the Nightswatch) but that they must now be loyal to each other. While climbing the Wall, an avalanche occurs causing many Wildlings to fall. Orell cuts the rope, leaving Ygritte and Jon to fall to their deaths in order to save himself. Jon saves himself and Ygritte and the two eventually make it to the top of the wall with the rest of the surviving Wildling climbers. 

The Wildlings make their way south of the Wall where Orell reveals his true feelings for Ygritte and his hatred of Jon Snow - who he knows is still faithful to the Nightswatch. After seeing a windmill and mistaking it for a castle, Jon realized how little Ygritte knows of the Seven Kingdoms and he tries to get her to abandon the Wildling attack on the Wall, which he claims has failed many times in the last thousand years.

Winterfell:

Ramsay Snow continues his assault on Theon, both physically and mentally as he plays guessing games with the heir of the Iron Islands. Theon proceeds to attempt to guess the name of his attacker, who only lies in response and then flays Theon's fingers, pulling the skin from the bone eventually causing him to beg for the finger to be removed altogether. Later, Theon is awoken by two beautiful women who pretend they don't know what's happening in regards to his torture and captor, but instead stroke his ego (and other things) only to be interrupted by Ramsay once more who insists on having Theon's genitals removed.

North of Winterfell, the Stark boys continue their journey toward the Wall alongside Osha, Hodor ("Hodor!"), Jojen Reed, and his sister Meera who is at continual odds with Osha. After Jojen experiences a seizure in his sleep, the party is shown the severity visions cause and Jojen tells them that Jon Snow is no longer at Castle Black, but surrounded by Wildlings. Later, Osha grows suspicious of the "black magic" that Jojen is teaching Bran, and she becomes outraged when she discovers that the Reeds are planning to take Bran beyond the Wall to find the three-eyed raven. Osha reveals that she once had a man who turned into a Wight and how she had to kill him with fire.

Riverlands: 

While learning bow skills from Anguy, Arya spots Melissandre who has come to speak with Thoros and meet the man who the Lord of Light has brought back so many times, Beric Dondarrion. It's revealed that Melissandre has other reasons for dealing with the Brotherhood and soon she gives coin in exchange for Gendry. After accusing her of being a witch, Melissandre informs Arya that she will take many lives and the two will meet again in the future. Later, as Melissandre's boat crosses Blackwater Bay, she reveals to Gendry the identity of his father: Robert Barratheon. 

Furious that the Brotherhood sold Gendry, Arya makes a run for it when she learns that the men will postpone her delivery to Riverrun in order to attack nearby Lannister forces. Men are sent after her, but not before she is found - and captured - by Sandor Clegane.

Riverrun: 

King Robb and his counsel meet with the Freys to discuss an alliance. The requirements Lord Walder Frey has for Robb include a formal apology, Harrenhal, and for Edmure Tully to marry Roslin, Walder Frey's daughter. 

Edmure, insulted, says he will reject the offer so he can at least choose his own bride, but later agrees to keep the peace in his family by marrying Roslin to make up for his own mistakes in disobeying Robb. Robb, guiltily admits that his uncle is paying for his own sins. Later, during a stop on their way to the Frey-Tully wedding, Talisa tells Robb that she is pregnant.

Harrenhal:

Roose Bolton agrees to send Jaime back to Kings Landing under the agreement that Jaime inform Tywin that Bolton had nothing to do with Jaime being maimed by his men. Jaime is shocked to learn that Brienne will not be coming with him, but is instead being kept as a prisoner for treason against King Robb. Jaime and Brienne part with her finally calling him by his name instead of "Kingslayer" and him vowing to return the Stark girls to their mother. 

When Jaime later discovers that Roose Bolton has left Harrenhal in the hands of Locke while he attends the Frey-Tully wedding, Jaime insists on returning to save Brienne from a fate he himself might have caused by provoking Locke into believing that Brienne's father would pay her worth in sapphires. Once back at Harrenhal, Jaime sees that - for entertainment - Brienne has been tossed into a fighting pit to fight a live bear with nothing but a wooden sword to defend herself. Leaping to aide her, Jaime assists Brienne out of the pit knowing that Bolton's men will keep him safe since their Lord ordered it.

Kings Landing: 

Tywin and Lady Olenna discuss the potential marriage of Ser Loras to Queen Regent Cersei, a match Olenna does not approve of. She admits to knowing about Loras sexual preferences and history, but insists that brother and sister incest is much worse. Tywin offers Olenna one of two options: either have Loras married to Cersei, or he will order for Loras to be moved to the Kingsguard, and have Highgarden's heir lose all his lands, titles, and ability for marriage and procreation, causing Olenna to give in and consent to the marriage.

Tyrion speaks with his sister, both doomed to a marriage neither wants, and learns that it was not her, but Joffrey who ordered his death on Blackwater Bay. After discussing her potential marriage to Ser Loras, Sansa is taken aside with Shae insistingly by her side as Tyrion sadly informs her of the change of plans and that she will now be married to him. While Sansa is comforted by Margaery, Tyrion discusses his future marriage with Bronn, and later learns from Shae that she will not be with him once he's married to Sansa.

Varys meets with Littlefinger who admits to his knowledge of Ros spying on him for Varys, and reveals that he's put an end to it by giving her to Joffrey, who has killed her by using her as target practice for his new crossbow. The wicked little King is later intimidated by his Grandfather when he demands to be involved on the small council. Asking what is being done about Daenerys and her dragons, Tywin insists that there is nothing to be worried about.

Across the Narrow Sea:

Arriving at the borders of the yellow city of Yunkai, Daenerys is advised by her Knights to move on, that the city holds no value to her should they try and take it. Knowing that there are 200,000 slaves inside, Daenerys insists on freeing them. Daenerys demands the city surrender or they will burn like Astapor. 

Seeking peace with the Mother of Dragons, Yunkai sends Grazden mo Eraz to bargain with Daenerys, giving her gifts of gold and ships to help send her on her way back to Westeros.  Dany insists that she give Grazden a gift in return, his life, to which he should use by surrendering the city, freeing the slaves and paying them for their time served. Insulted, Grazden threatens Daenerys and faces the anger of her dragons in reply before storming off.

Best Character: Daenerys, who is really coming into her power and not afraid to use it. Emilia Clarke has shown amazing growth with Daenerys who started out as a tiny, frightened girl and became a Khaleesi, the Mother of Dragons and a breaker of chains. Amazing performance.

Best Line: This whole scene.

Grazen: You are mad. We are not Asapor or Qarth. We are Yunkai. And we have powerful friends, friends who would take great pleasure in destroying you. Those who survive, we shall enslave once more. Perhaps we'll make a slave of you as well!
(Dragon screams)
Grazen: You swore me safe conduct!
Daenerys: I did. But my dragons made no promises, and you threatened their mother. 

Game of Thrones: Kissed By Fire

Untypically Jia here, back to recap and review last weeks episode of Game of Thrones. I've tried to proofread my review, but I'm also hopped up on massive amounts of cold medicine, so who the hell knows what I've written.

And as we all know, this is not a spoiler-free zone.

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Considering how amazing the previous episode 'And Now His Watch is Ended' was,  I honestly walked into 'Kissed by Fire' with very low expectations, which I think was a good thing because I really enjoyed this episode.

I think it helps that it's been a few years since I've read the books and I've forgotten a lot of the little details. One of my best friends however has recently read the books, and every Sunday night I get a thirteen paragraph angry rant about how HBO fucked up. I smile and agree with some points while I laugh at others. I think going to so many comic book movies with Matt has taught me to ignore the crazy people who are screaming, "How could they forget six whole chapters!?" in my ears.

Then again, I'm the crazy person when it comes to things like HBO's Rome and Starz Spartacus. We all have our short fuses.

Now . . . onto the recap!

Riverlands:

We return to see the trial of combat between Sandor Clegane and Beric Dondarrion. The red priest, Thoros says a prayer before Beric wipes blood from his hand against his sword which then catches fire. This is actually an interesting point that gets brought up in the books a bit. Thoros himself used to use the flaming sword technique in tournements to spook the other competitors and their horses. He however used wildfire to achieve the technique.

 

The flaming sword is actually a prophecy in the religion of R'hllor. Their supposed Messiah, Azor Ahai will return weilding a flaming sword called Lightbringer. Names that should sound familiar as Melissandre proclaimed Stannis Baratheon the reborn Azor Ahai and names his flaming sword Lightbringer. While we don't know who the true Azor Ahai is (or if he even exists) I think it's interesting to note that Melissandre loudly proclaims the flaming sword of Stannis to be the legend itself, and yet in the dark shadows of the Brotherhood without Banners, a flaming sword belonging to Berric Dondarrion is barely acknowledged. Just my personal thoughts.

Back to the battle . . . 

Beric and Sandor face off against one another and I can't help feel sorry for the Hound who is terrified of fire and now has to battle against a blade covered in flames. Eventually, despite the advantage of fire, Sandor strikes down Beric, slashing a good ways through his shoulder and into his chest. Arya, enraged at the results moves to attack Clegane on her own but is stopped. Everyone then notices Beric - no longer dead at all - but resurrected by Thoros.

Long after the Hound leaves, Arya finds Gendry repairing Beric's armor and saying that he's decided to stay on with the Brotherhood as their smith. Arya protests, wanting him to stay with her and join her family in Riverrun and eventually Winterfell. Gendry states that he's tired of serving others and just wants to be a part of something; a family. Arya says that she can be his family and Gendry sadly replies, "You wouldn't be my family. You'd be my lady."

Arya talks with Thoros about going to Riverrun, and how Robb will pay to have the Brotherhood return his sister. Thoros admits that Beric didn't want to originally ask for a ransom for Arya due to his admiration of the late Lord Stark, but the Brotherhood is greatly in need of gold. Beric then joins them and speaks with Arya about his resurrection and the five or six times before that he's been resurrected. He shows Arya his scars and talks of the many times he's been killed, and how the Lord of Light has brought him back each time, but with a piece of him missing each time he comes back. Arya asks if it's possible to bring back a man without a head, and Thoros responds, "I don't think it works that way, child." Beric insists that he would never wish his life upon Ned, but Arya points out that Beric is at least alive.

Beyond the Wall:

While working with the Wildlings, Jon is confronted about the patrols being headed up on the wall. Orell and Tormund want specific numbers, and when Jon gives them, he's accused of lying and his life is threatened. Jon gets a little snarky with the warg and is defended by Ygritte who claims that he's no crow. 

 

Telling him he owes her a debt now, Ygritte steals Jon's sword and leads him down into a small tunnel of caves and underground hot springs. She says it's time he's proved himself to no longer being a man of the Nightswatch by breaking his vow of chastity. And either it's really cold beyond the wall, he's determined to keep his cover from being blown, or he's got a thing for redheads (those kissed by fire), but Jon Snow breaks his vow and proves that he knows something.

Harrenhal:

Locke brings the prisoners, Jaime and Brienne to Harrenhal for Lord Roose Bolton. Enraged that Jaime has been damaged, Roose orders that Jaime be taken to see the former maester, Qyburn so that his wound can be cleaned. Qyburn tells Jaime the details of his injury and what can be done about it. He offers him milk of the poppy, but Jaime refuses, insisting that he can handle the pain.

Jaime, freshly bandaged, joined Brienne in the baths. Jaime instructs Brienne to pull him out if he should pass out, as he does not intend to be the first Lannister to die in a bathtub. Bitterly, Brienne asks why she should care if he lives or dies. Jaime then reminds her of her oath to Catelyn Stark, to bring Jaime to Kings Landing in one piece - though he's now missing a piece. Under his breath, Jaime says, "No wonder Renly died," and suddenly Brienne stands up - no longer shamed by her nakedness, and Jaime realizes that what he said was dishonorable and he genuinely apologizes.

 

Provoked by a look of disgust, Jaime tells Brienne the story of how he killed the Mad King. Jaime says how Aerys loved to watch people burn with wildfire. Burning lords, hands, and half the country if they were against him. Aerys had his pyromancer place wildfire under the city with the intention of burning everything and everyone. When Robert Barratheon marched toward Kings Landing, Tywin Lannister got there first asking for the gates to be opened so his army could protect the King and the city from Robert's army. 

Knowing that his father had ulterior motives, Jaime told the Mad King to surrender peacefully, but the King didn't listen to Jaime, or to Varys. But Aerys did listen to Maester Pycell who urged the King to trust Tywin Lannister. The gates were then opened and Tywin sacked the city. Jaime again urged the King to surrender, but instead the King ordered Jaime to bring him Tywin's head, and then ordered the city to be burned. Rather than kill his own father - and burn thousands of people - Jaime turned on the Mad King, stabbing him in the back. Brienne asks why Jaime never told anyone this story. Jaime answers that Ned Stark judged him guilty of oath breaking the moment he saw him.

Kings Landing:

Tyrion, the new Master of Coin is having a problem affording the royal wedding between Margaery and Joffrey and is seeking the aid of Lady Olenna.  Tyrion objects to the wedding being so extravagent considering they are currently at war. Lady Olenna proves her wisdom by stating the exact efforts House Tyrell has assisted in this war, including food, men, weapons, and money. She tells Tyrion that the people need a distraction, and what better distraction than a royal wedding. Despite tradition that the wedding should be paid by the royal family, Lady Olenna agrees to split the cost, leaving Tyrion - for once - speechless.

Margaery and Sansa talk about her potential marriage to Loras, and that plans wouldn't be put into action until after the royal wedding, when Margaery can use her pull as Joffrey's wife to urge him to let Sansa go.

 

Eager in finding out any secret plots against her family by the Tyrells, Cersei enlists the help of Lord Baelish who hires a man to sleep with Loras Tyrell to eavesdrop on Margaery and Sansa, and gain information from the Knight of Flowers. Discovering that the Tyrells plan to wed Sansa to Loras, Littlefinger seeks out Sansa to find out if she still wants him to take her with him when he leaves the city. Sansa admits that she's not quite ready to leave, but lies as to her reasons.

 

 

The Lannisters learn of Sansa's secret betrothal and how the Tyrells could perhaps gain the upper hand when it comes to claims on Winterfell. Tywin orders that Sansa be married to Tyrion instead, before any more plots against them are planned. Tyrion, enraged by the idea of marrying a child - and one who has already suffered so much at the hands of the Lannisters - argues, but is put in his place by his father with a smirking Cersei nearby. Unfortunately for Cersei, Tywin is now in charge and Queen Regent or not, Tywin plans to marry her to Loras Tyrell to secure High Garden and put to rest the rumors about her incestuous relationship with Jaime.

Riverrun:

In a rage of grief over the death of his own sons in battle, Lord Karstark and his men slaughter the captive Lannister children. Robb orders the men all to be hanged for their participation, including the look-out. Despite his orders to have Karstark killed for treason against him, his wife, mother and uncle all beg Robb to forgive the act. If Lord Karstark is killed, his men will leave and Robb will lose half of his armed forces. Despite the facts, Robb is his fathers son and honor and the law are above his personal feelings and needs (except you know . . . if he wants to marry someone he's not supposed to). Robb then executes Karstark himself, as Stark men do their own beheading (see: Season One, Episode One).

 

With the Karstark forces abandoning him, Robb thinks about his next move. Going head on into battle won't help now that his numbers have deteriorated, but if he can seize Casterly Rock, the Lannisters home, he might have some leverage against them. Regardless, he needs more men and the only person left with those forces is Lord Walder Frey - the man whom Robb already betrayed by wedding Talisa instead of Lord Frey's daughter.

Dragonstone:

Queen Selyse is visited by her husband, Stannis during a prayer to the Lord of Light. Attempting to admit his infidelity to her, Selyse stops him and says that Melissandre has told her everything and she is alright with it. She encourages anything that would serve the Lord of Light and is glad that Melissandre gave Stannis a son when she could not. A son, or you know . . . creepy smoke baby monster.

And then she turns and shows a bunch of babies in jars! 

Babies in jars! A bunch. Of babies. In fucking jars!

Not. Cool.

 

Stannis goes to visit his daughter Shireen who has previously been afflicted with greyscale, a disease that has left half of her face covered in grey, scaley skin. Shireen is excited to see her father, but immediately asks about her friend, Sir Davos the Onion Knight. Stannis tells her that Davos is a traitor and currently locked up in the dungeons. The little princess goes to visit her Onion Knight, bringing him a book to read to pass the time. Davos insists that Shireen leave, telling her that he's grateful for the book, but he cannot read. Shireen, unafraid of being caught, tells Davos she will teach him to read.

 

Across the Narrow Sea:

 

Dany meets with her new army, instructing them to choose among themselves a leader. They've chosen a man called Grey Worm. Missandei tells Dany that the Unsullied are given names to remind them that they are worthless. Dany instructs them all to choose new names. Grey Worm asks that his name remain Grey Worm, for it was the name he had the day Daenerys rode into the city to free them all. 

 

Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy talk about old times in the Seven Kingdoms. They talk about how Robert was a good man, a great warrior but a terrible King. Barristan tells how he was a man who kept his vows and it didn't matter that Robert was a drunk or that Aerys was a lunatic. But he asks that once in his life, he be able to serve with pride.

Jorah then tries to pry information out of Barristan, clearly trying to find out if he was on the small council during Roberts reign where Jorah was a spy and privy to the knowledge of the assassination attempt on Daenerys life. Barristan admits that Daenerys will need good men advising her when she goes to battle, and Jorah's reputation in the Seven Kingdoms might actually hurt their cause. Jorah speaks up saying that he was busy defending Dany against assassins sent by Robert, while Barristan was still bowing to the drunken King. Barristan reminds Jorah that if they truly want Dany to rule, they will do whatever necessary, regardless of their personal cost.

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Favourite Quote: "By what right does the wolf judge the lion?" - Jaime

Favourite Character: Jaime. 

 

Jaime's performance in this episode is one of the reasons I love this show (and the books). The characters are not inherently good or evil. They are human. They are doing what they feel is right for themselves, their family, their country, their honor, etc. In the first season and first several books, we're shown Jaime to be a wicked man. However, as the show goes on we see how incredibly destructive his relationship with his father is, how manipulative Cersei can be, and how in the end Jaime has been torn between his family, his King and what the right thing to do is. 

 

All the characters have these little moments where you can see that they are just humans who make mistakes. There is no good or evil, no hero or villain. We can of course pick our own villains (Joffrey makes a fabulous choice) but it doesn't mean that in the end the hero saves the girl and the villain is defeated. 

It's thinking like this that reminds me that the series can't end entirely happy. We love Robb, we love Jon, we love Dany. Well what happens when Daenerys eventually returns to conquer the Seven Kingdoms? Most will fight her, she's a Targaeryn after all. And which of our favorite characters will be dragon fodder?

Game of Thrones: And Now His Watch Is Ended

Greetings fellow citizens of Westeros! Untypically Jia here, back to recap and review last weeks episode of Game of Thrones. Apologies for not getting to it sooner. You could say we've been too busy recovering from the awesomeness that was Episode 4, or you could say that we got sick.

And as we all know, this is not a spoiler-free zone.

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Riverlands:

I have a great joke.

So a one-handed Kingslayer rides into a forest and . . . what? Too soon?

 

Apparently a Kingslayer without a sword-hand is not much of a Kingslayer at all. After losing his hand to Locke (the head of this House Bolton brigade), Jaime has the sads. After letting himself fall off a horse and then tricked into drinking horse piss, you'd think all the fight would be embarrassed out of him. But good ol' Jaime steals a sword and attempts to . . . get away? No, not that. Go on a murderous rampage? Umm . . . yeah, I think he tries to poke a few guys, but let's face it, this is not the same Jaime who went toe to toe with Ned Stark two seasons ago. In fact, we're almost liking this Jaime. It's amazing what pity will do to a character.

But Brienne isn't putting up with any of his pity. Later scolding him for not eating in order to stay alive, the Beauty of Tarth instructs Jaime to live so that he can one day take vengeance.

Arya, Gendry and the Hound are secretly transported to the underground clubhouse of the Brotherhood without Banners. Inside, they are introduced to Beric Dondarrion, the man Ned Stark sent out (in Season One) to hunt down The Mountain That Rides. There, with a red priest (seriously, these guys are popping up everywhere) Beric puts Sandor Clegane on trial and calls him a murderer. When none can actually point out specific murders, Arya Stark is finally able to stand up for her friend Mycah, the Butchers boy that the Hound killed early on in Season One. Properly accused, Dondarrion challenges Clegane to a trial by combat.

Beyond the Wall:

Forced to sling pig shit, Edd, Grenn and Rast complain about Craster and the fact that the Nightswatch is starving beyond the wall instead of returning to Castle Black. After a funeral for their fallen brothers in black, Karl - overwhelmed by hunger and anger - calls Craster a bastard (which shouldn't actually mean anything to Wildlings - but whatever) and the old man throws the Nightswatch out of his keep. The situation grows dark very quickly, something Commander Mormont attempts to fix until he is put against his own men who have now killed Craster. Mormont fights Karl face to face until Rast stabs him in the back (cause how else could you even think to take down the Old Bear?) Once down, Mormont is then repeatedly stabbed in the chest, and then as they say . . . Now His Watch Is Ended.

Naturally avoiding confrontation, Sam takes advantage of the fight and runs to rescue Gilly and her newborn son, hoping to take them both far away from Crasters Keep, and the backstabbing brothers of the Nightswatch.

Kings Landing:

Tyrion seeks advice from the one person in Kings Landing who might actually be worth trusting - or is he? Seeking proof that his sister tried to have him killed, Tyrion looks to Varys for answers, but the Spider has none to give him. Instead he tells the great tale of how he once lost his balls in a land far, far away when he was sold to a sorcerer. Varys gives great details on the pain he endured and how instead of greeting death eagerly, he forced himself to live a long life and that in the end, patience would reward him. As he opens a nearby crate to reveal the bound and gagged sorcerer, we are suddenly aware of the truth behind Varys words and how patient the Master of Whisperers truly is.

Later, after visiting Littlefingers brothel and speaking to Ros about Sansa, Varys meets with the Queen of Thorns to speak about the potential future of Sansa Stark. Littlefinger is dead set on removing Sansa from Kings Landing when he travels toward the Eyrie, and should Robb Stark fall in battle, Sansa becomes heir to Winterfell (what's left of it anyway) and if Littlefinger has Sansa, he could become more powerful than anyone dared to think, and would in the end destroy the Seven Kingdoms, if only to be King of the Ashes.

Joffrey - now Margaery's eager little lap dog - escorts his betrothed around the Sept of Baelor. It's the first time we're given images of the inside of a sept and it's much bigger than I'd imagined in my head while reading the books. The statues of the seven gods are enormous and tower over the characters (who also include Lady Olenna and Queen Cersei). Margaery encourages Joffrey to open the doors and greet his people, an act that Cersei believes is far too dangerous and is annoyed at his ignoring her. But ignoring Cersei is what Lannister men are good at doing in this episode, as her own father Tywin grows more and more bored with his daughter who only wants a pat on the head and to find out where they are in recovering Jaime. Unfortunately instead of an A for effort, Cersei is reprimanded for being unable to control Joffrey and reminded that such efforts resulted in this war and Jaime's capture in the first place.

In the Godswood, Margaery finds Sansa in prayer and seeks to know what she prays for. Sansa, clearly not knowing who to trust these days, is subtle with her desires. That is until Margaery befriends the young Stark, inviting her to see Highgarden one day and then asks if Sansa would like to be married to Loras Tyrell. And then right afterwards, my brain imploded for lack of book continuity - but then I got over it because I'm nice.

Winterfell:

Theon and his saving grace, a cleaning boy from Winterfell ride through Deepwood Motte where the boy claims Theon's sister Yara awaits him. The boy gives tales to Theon about how he too is Iron born and remembered the day when Theon was taken away from the Iron Islands to be a ward of Winterfell. Gaining Theon's trust, the boy learns that Theon never actually killed the young Stark boys. Once inside the castle where Yara supposedly awaits, Theon is sad to discover that he's actually back at the dungeon he escaped from earlier, and the boy who helped him is none other than Ramsay Snow - the Bastard of House Bolton!

And fans everywhere went, "HOLY SHIT!" in unison.

Elsewhere in the North, Bran continues to have dreams where he can not only walk and run, but climb again. I'm guessing because the actor was like, "OMG do I really have to keep sitting?! I was not told this when I got the part! I've literally been sitting for more than two seasons!" Or you know . . . something. Either that, or it's just a nice way to stab fans in the gut by reconnecting Bran with his family in his dreams. Previous dreams have shown Robb and Jon with him, and this one has Catelyn throw him from a tree, commanding him not to climb.

Across the Narrow Sea:

With her favored dragon on a long chain, Daenerys approaches the slaver, Kraznys to exchange Drogon for the 8,000 Unsullied. Jorah and Barristan both silently protest this decision, knowing that dragons will win her the Iron Throne, not slaves. But Dany does not listen as she hands over the leash holding her dragon, and receives the whip to command the great army.

After testing the army for a brief moment, Daenerys reveals to Kraznys that she speaks Valyrian (Ooo . . . probably shouldn't have called her a whore all those times, huh?) and then she orders the Unsullied army to free all the slaves in the city, and to massacre the slavers. With one final word, she reveals her true plan: Dracarys. 

Obediently, Drogon fires down upon Kraznys and then with his brothers, takes to the sky setting the city of Astapor to flame. Now free men, the Unsullied are asked to join her of their own will in taking back the Seven Kingdoms. All slam their spears on the ground in unison as they march to battle.

Okay, so I've had a bit to complain about this season, but this moment they got so wonderfully. It's not perfect. Far from it. There are characters missing not to mention a few minor plot holes but I don't even care! Anytime Daenerys turns Stormborn, blood of Old Valyria, the Last of the Targaryens, everyone shouts in triumph at the massive destruction that's about to unfold. 

Definitely and by far the best episode so far this season!

Favorite Character: Daenerys. Clearly.

Favorite Quote: This whole scene....

Kraznys: Tell the bitch that her beast won't come.

Daenerys: A dragon is not a slave.

Kraznys: You speak Valyrian?

Daenerys: I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, of the blood of Old Valyria. Valyrian is my mother tongue. Unsullied! Slay the masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who holds a whip, but harm no child. Strike the chains off every slave you see! 

Kraznys: I am your master! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

Daenerys: Dracarys.

Game of Thrones: Welcome to Season Three

Hello folks! I'm Untypically Jia, wife of The Amazing Spider-Matt. Since ASM also works full time and there's a ton of girly shit to occasionally cover in the wide world of geek, he's permitted me to guest post from time to time. With the weekly slot on this blog left empty by the season finale of The Walking Dead, I've opted to recap and review Game of Thrones.

And as we all know, this is not a spoiler-free zone.

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The quick catch up.

There have been three episodes aired since season three premiered ("Valar Dohaeris", "Dark Wings, Dark Words", and "Walk of Punishment") and instead of giving a long drawn out description of each, I thought I'd just catch you up on what's happened so far in each of the Seven Kingdoms (plus whatever Daenerys does across the Narrow Sea.)

Fist of the First Men:

Season three brings us right back to where we were left at the end of season two. You remember season two right? Big fucking ice zombies. Caught up? Good. Post battle sequence that I assume was omitted due to the budget being spent on dragons, the Nightswatch - sans Jon Snow - is licking their wounds while Samwell Tarly attempts to catch up with his brothers. Commander Mormont asks if Sam sent the ravens, their only means for backup and help - to which he confesses that no, no he didn't. 

The Nightswatch continues making their way back to the wall, Sam deciding to fall down from time to time being either heckled by his fellow crows or forced to keep going by his brothers and Commander. Once back at Crasters Keep, we're reminded for about the twentieth time that Sam is fat (sigh) and then he sneaks off to watch Gilly give birth to a boy. And we all know what Craster does with the boys.

King Beyond the Wall:

While the Wildling scene isn't at all what I pictured in my head while reading the books, I was easily distracted by the amazing Ciaran Fucking Hinds. For those who know me, I have a massive love for ancient Rome, and to have Julius Caesar himself playing the King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder . . . just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Jon meets Mance and confesses his "reasons" to join Mance and is met with equal amounts of friendship and threats of death should he turn out to be a liar. 

Jon then gets to meet Giants and Wargs and Wildlings, Oh My! The warg was added in to explain how humans are able to see through the eyes of animals - so thankfully we now know what to call Bran (and several other characters if you follow the books). After reaching the Fist themselves to find White Walker art in the form of dead horses, Mance orders Jon sent with a group to Castle Black, where they'll climb the wall and attack the Nightswatch.

Jon Snow has been one of my favourite characters since the beginning of the show (and the books) and I'm disappointed that they aren't spending more time with his story and his relationship with Mance and Ygritte. I'm hopeful for more time in coming episodes, and as a fan of book and show I understand that sacrifices have to be made to keep the story moving.

Kings Landing:

If you've forgotten that Game of Thrones offers mass amounts of nudity in the shape of whores, then welcome to Kings Landing! Despite Tywin Lannisters distaste for whores (and smiling), there are hookers aplenty in the first few episodes. 

A distraught Tyrion seeks to visit with his father - who has yet to visit him despite his wounds gained from the Battle of Blackwater. Once father and son are reunited, Tyrion states his rightful claim on Casterly Rock seeing that Jaime is ineligable as a members of the Kings Guard (not to mention currently missing), and Cersei is a girl. Tywin goes off on a rant about how worthless Tyrion is, how he killed his mother, how he's nothing but a whoremonger and only still alive because he's a Lannister. While watching this moment, I turned to Matt and said, "Hey remember a few years ago when I was reading the books and I came out of the bedroom, threw the book across the room and screamed, 'You fucker!'? That was essentially because of this scene."

As if Tyrion doesn't have anything else to worry about, he's given Littlefingers job as Baelish is now preparing to wed Lysa Arryn and leave Kings Landing. Not only that, but Cersei seems to be constantly up his ass having a flashback of sibling rivalry. Having Tywin in the capital is providing Cersei and Tyrion with some great scenes!

Back to whores.

Master of Coin and Whores, Baelish approaches Sansa to inform her of his need to have sex with her since her mother is no longer an option thoughts on getting her out of Kings Landing. Ros and Shae catch up to the side where Ros warns Shae about Baelish getting too close to Sansa. When bringing the subject up with Tyrion, Shae has a temper tantrum (that apparently only a blow job can fix) about Tyrion commenting on Sansa's beauty and how suitors will be looking to marry her now that she's no longer betrothed to Joffrey.

And speaking of the reason Sansa's free . . . Margaery Tyrell. Damn. I remember people being all pissy when she was cast as the young Queen to be due to her age, but damn. I'm reminded of how much I loved the first few seasons of The Tudors because she knows how to play that coy, smart, seductive woman who knows how to play men really, really well. 

She also knows how to dress for her man and play with orphan children, all things that really get under Cersei's skin. In addition to her many skills, Margaery can apparently use weapons to spark what little sexuality Joffrey might actually have in him, and all this without getting beaten.

Assuming that Margaery learned her skills from her Grandmother, as we're introduced to the great Queen of Thorns who chastises her Cheese Boy while coaxing Sansa kindly to tell the tales of Joffreys greatest sins. I love the Tyrells. They're so smart and clearly not afraid of even the Lannisters.

Dragon Stone:

The Onion Knight lives! But he's lost his fingers! Again. 

Saved at sea, Davos eventually makes his way back to Stannis' side - which as usual is attached to Melissandre. In an attempt to out her as an enemy to the crown, Davos ends up securing his own arrest. No one puts Melissandre in a corner. 

But the red woman isn't so ready to stand by her man, as she's got plans to leave Dragon Stone for a while. Stannis throws a hissy fit and begs her for another creepy smokey shadow baby. Cause apparently this King likes to fight his own battles, unless he can have his mistress give birth to demons to do it for him. 

I honestly think they're going to be changing the story a bit with her and Stannis from the books, because I have no idea what's about to happen.

Harrenhal / Riverrun:

One of my favorite jokes is by Mitch Hedberg. "They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!"

This is probably the best way to describe what the show is doing with Robb and Cat Stark.

Robb married a girl who was not his betrothed last season. Well guess what? She's ALSO not the same girl he married in the books. He ALSO married her in the wrong order. Cat ALSO let Jaime out of prison in the wrong order. Cat ALSO goes to Riverrun where he father lays dying. 

But the show takes us through Harrenhal where Robb can see first hand what the war is doing to people, making an extra note to add that Cat is still technically under house arrest for treason. Eventually word reaches them that Theon possibly killed Bran and Rickon, not to mention that apparently Cat's father, Hoster Tully is already dead.

Robb's new fake wife has a conversation with Cat where Lady Stark confesses some tale about how she wished Jon Snow would die when he was a kid, and then when he got sick she begged the Gods to spare his life,  and promised to love him as a mother should. But then that didn't happen. It's okay though, because this is one of those fun parts of the show that also didn't happen in the book! It puts this strange guilt on Cat who thinks that everything bad that's ever happened to her family is because she couldn't love Jon. Because as we all know, if Cat had loved Jon, Joffrey would have grown into a nice young man, Jon Arryn would never have died pushing Ned to become Hand of the King, and Bran would be able to walk. Oh wait, none of that's true.

When the group reaches Riverrun for the funeral, Cat says to her uncle, the Blackfish, "I should have been here with him." To which I screamed at the TV, "YOU WERE!!!" The few redeemable bits in Riverrun are Edmure Tully's inability to shoot an arrow, lead an army or follow Rob's orders.

Elsewhere in the Riverlands, Arya, Gendry and Hotpie travel away from Harrenhal, hoping to seek refuge in Riverrun. Unfortunately they meet the Brotherhood Without Banners first, and are threatened into going with them for a short time. When they're found not to be kidnapped persay, the three misfits are eager to leave, that is until The Hound (who has been captured by the Brothers) identifies Arya. Eventually, Gendry and Arya move on with the Brotherhood, leaving HotPie behind as a baker at a local inn.

Winterfell and Beyond:

Remember Theon? Well in the books he does this really cool trick by disappearing for a really long time so you don't have to listen to him bitch and moan about how everything is terrible in his life. And instead, on the show we get to watch his terrible life. House Bolton's symbol is a flayed man. Nuff said I think. Oh except someone helps him escape and now I'm annoyed again.

But don't think House Bolton is happy just torturing Theon! A small band of Bolton bannermen come upon Brienne of Tarth and Jaime Lannister fighting on a bridge after Jaime swiftly pulled a sword from Brienne only to get beat down by Brienne the Beauty. 

The two are identified by a random passerby who recognized Jaime, and the Bolton Bannermen capture the two, eager to bring them back to Robb Stark - but not before attempting to rape Brienne (who is saved by the words of Jaime) and then cutting of the hand of the Kingslayer.

Luckily, Bran, Osha, Rickon and Hodor ("Hodor!") continue to flee away from Winterfell. Bran continues to have warg dreams where he's in Summer's body, only sometimes the three-eyed raven returns, and now another boy has joined his little dreamland. The boy, who Bran soon meets face to face is Jojen Reed (a fellow seer) and his sister Meera, children of Howland Reed who was a great friend of Ned Stark. The Reeds are soon let into the group after Jojen makes friends with Summer.

Across the Narrow Sea:

Dany and her dragons.

I'm really sad that the emotions of the book are so often overlooked in the show. Do you know the names of Dany's dragons? I do, because I read the book. Because they are important! Rhaegal, named for her brother Rhaegar. Viserys, named for her brother Viserys. And Drogon, named for her beloved Drogo. This shit is important! She constantly mentions how they are her children, and yet they don't apparently have names in common conversation?!

I digress. Dany and her small Khalasar reach Astapor where she intends to purchase a slave army. But not just ANY slave army. We're talking super soldiers who kill babies and puppies and don't need nipples or testicles! Men who are trained from birth to not feel pain and to obey regardless of command. An army that Dany needs to take back the Iron Throne. An army - as Jorah points out - that won't rape, or murder innocent people as long as she commands them not to.

But there's one small problem for Jorah, and that comes in the form of Ser Barriston Selmy himself! Having been kicked out of Joffrey's Kings Guard two seasons ago, Barristan the Bold reappears across the Narrow Sea to find the rightful ruler of the seven kingdoms. He begs forgiveness from Daenerys, and pleads to join her Queens Guard, eventually proving to be a thorn in Jorah's side. Because hey, this Targaryen only has room for one really old creepy stalker who secretly wants to nail her.

Dany however can't deal with their pety fighting, because she's got some negotiating to do. 8,000 Unsullied Slave Warrior, plus whoever they've still got in training. Oh but the cost is so dearly, and the slave trader knows it. In addition to calling Dany a filthy whore and a beggar Queen in his own language (with the slave Missandei politely translating) he reminds Dany that she cannot afford a handful of the Unsullied. And so the Mother of Dragons makes an offer - one of her dragons, in exchange for the army.

GASP! dun Dun DUN!

Tune in next week for my recap and review of episode four, "And Now His Watch Is Ended" which sounds like a basket full of puppies and rainbows!