PS: If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.
Remember, this is not a spoiler-free zone.
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Across the Narrow Sea:
A great penis measuring contest begins as Daario makes his affections for Daenerys obvious right in front of Jorah. And despite his character being kind of an ego boosted douchebag in the books . . . he's just . . . so pretty in the show. So pretty. And also age appropriate for our Mother of Dragons.
Daario talks of a way into Yunkai that with a few of Daenerys' best men, they can open the gates and sack the city with great ease. Jorah vocalized his suspicion of Daario, who defends himself by saying that in his experience only dishonest men think in such a way. Regardless, with Grey Worm's trust of Daario, Daenerys sends he and Jorah with the leader of the Second Sons into the city of Yunkai. Ser Barristan offers to come along, but Jorah refuses, insisting that his place is protecting their Queen. Daario, Jorah and Grey Worm sneak into Yunkai and are immediately faced with many more guards than they'd expected. We're finally able to see Grey Worm and Daario in action and neither disappoint! Upon returning to camp, Jorah and Grey Worm eagerly inform Dany about their victory, smile upon face. While clearly pleased with the news, Dany is struck with the obvious missing person and asks, "And Daario Naharis?" practically making Jorah weep in the process.
But no worries, Dany! Daario is alive and well! And still very, very pretty. Even covered in blood.
In the North:
It's all wall all the time!
Sam and Gilly head south toward the Wall.
Bran, Rickon, Jojen, Meera, Osha and Hodor head north toward the Wall.
Jon, Ygritte and the Wildlings head south away from the wall.
Unfortunately for Jon, the time comes to prove himself to the Wildlings when they happen upon a horse breeder. The man, who is under the protection of the Nightswatch is alerted to the attack by Jon but is eventually run down to an abandoned mill by Tormund. Orell insists that Jon be the one to kill the man to prove himself loyal, but before Jon can do it (though it looked like he wasn't going to) Ygritte steps in and kills him. Jon and Ygritte are both ordered dead.
Just inside the old mill, Bran and his band of merry misfits take shelter from the storm outside (and from the approaching Wildlings). Thunder begins to scare Hodor who starts screaming. To avoid attracting attention from outside, Bran uses his warg abilities to jump into Hodors mind and knock him out cold. With the Wildlings still fighting outside, Bran is encouraged to jump into Summer, and with a lot of coaxing he does.
Outside, Jon faces off against Orell who just before his own death, leaps into the mind of his bird and then flies down and attacks Jon, scratching his face. Luckily several other Wildlings are held off as Bran - inside of Summer - jumps to aid Jon in the fight. Free of Orell and the bird, Jon takes a horse and rides away leaving a shocked Ygritte behind with Tormund.
Back inside the mill, now safe from the Wildlings Bran is informed by Osha and Jojen that no warg has ever been able to jump into a human before, not even north of the wall. Realizing the danger that they're all in and how important it is to find the three-eyed raven, Bran asks Osha to take Rickon and Shaggydog to the Last Hearth, the home of the Umber family where Rickon will be safe if something should happen to Bran. It's one last goodbye between Stark siblings, and now they're all separated into their own corners of the world.
The Twins:
King Robb seeks advice from his mother about his plans to attack Casterly Rock. Despite knowing that their entire plan hangs on trusting Lord Walder Frey, Cat agrees to take the Lannisters home so that they will know what it's like to lose everything. At the Twins, Robb and his family and man take bread and salt from Walder Frey, a symbol of protection under the Lord and his House. Robb begs forgiveness for breaking his oath of marriage to one of Frey's daughters or granddaughters. Lord Frey insists that Robb apologize to the women themselves. Walder asks to see for himself the woman that Robb took as his Queen instead of one of his own children, and with Talisa before him, Walder makes rude comments about her body, insisting, "When I was your age, I'd have broken fifty oaths to get into that."
With the Frey girls all in plain view, Edmure gets more and more uneasy about his approaching wedding to one of them as none are up to the beauty standards he would have in a wife. Unfortunately for Edmure, the wedding is set to begin with Robb's army waiting outside the great hall.
On their way to the Twins, Arya and the Hound approach a cart merchant who the Hound knocks unconscious and attempts to kill in order to commandeer his cart to provide a disguise into the wedding. Arya pleads for the man's life. Sandor says that Arya is very kind, and one day it will get her killed. Once they are close enough to see the Twins, Arya becomes afraid and the Hound takes notice.
Sandor: You check every five minutes like you're afraid they're going to move.
Arya: I'm not afraid.
Sandor: Of course you are. You're almost there. And you're afraid you won't make it. The closer you get, the worse the fear gets. No point in trying to hide behind that face. I know fear when I see it. I've seen it a lot.
Arya: I knew fear when I saw it in you. You're afraid of fire. When Berrics sword went up in flames you looked like a scared little girl. And I know why too. I heard what your brother did to you. Pressed your face to the fire like you were a nice juicy mutton chop.
Sandor: That give you some ideas?
Arya: Might do.
Sandor: Go ahead then. Might get away. Might even make it there on your own. They're just over the river. Closest you've been to family since Illyn Payne snipped your Daddy's neck.
Arya: Some day, I'm gonna put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull
No joke. I had to put that whole dialogue right there because it is amazing. For a split second, the Hound jumps down to her level of teasing and picking, as best he can and then suddenly this little Stark girl becomes frightening. And you can see it in his face. And it's amazing.
Inside the Twins, Walder Frey marries his daughter Roslin to Edmure Tully, who is more than happy to receive her once her veil is removed and she's proved to be far more beautiful than any of her sisters or nieces. With the wedding over, the celebration begins. Edmure enjoys being doted on by his new bride, Catelyn entertains her uncle, the Blackfish and Roose Bolton, and Robb enjoys a moment with his wife who decides that when they have a son, his name will be Eddard. Unlike Tyrion and Sansa's wedding, this one goes forth with the traditional bedding ceremony as Roslin and Edmure are carried out of the hall, clothes being torn from their bodies.
With bride and groom escorted away, (and the Blackfish off finding a tree to piss on) the doors are locked behind them and the band begins to play 'The Rains of Castamere' a well known Lannister victory song. Catelyn immediately looks suspicious and turns to Roose Bolton who reveals that he's wearing chainmail. Realizing they've been betrayed, Catelyn tries to warn her son but it's too late and archers rain down arrows on the Starks from above just as a man stabs Talisa repeatedly in the stomach.
Outside, Arya sneaks away from the Hound to find her mother and brother, only to watch in horror as Robb's men are slaughtered outside. Desperate to find a friend or family member, Arya hears Grey Wind barking inside a locked stable. But before she has a chance to free him, the direwolf is killed by several archers. Before she can get to her family, the Hound finds her and clubs her in the head in order to get her away safely.
Taking an arrow in the shoulder herself, Catelyn crawls across the room where she finds Walder Frey's young wife hiding underneath a table. Grabbing the girl by the hair, she drags her into the open and puts a blade to her throat, threatening her in order to hopefully spare her sons life. She pleads for Robb to run, but with his wife and child dead and his own wounds preventing him, Robb calls out, "Mother?" before being stabbed through the chest by Roose Bolton himself saying, "The Lannisters send their regards."
With what she believes is her last living child killed before her eyes, Catelyn in a rage murders Walder Frey's wife, screaming out in grief just before she herself is killed.
And just to rub salt in the wound, there isn't even any music during the credits. As though they really wanted us to reflect on what just happened. They call it The Red Wedding. It's something fans have been dreading for months. The Amazing Spider-Matt has never had much love for Cat or Robb in the first place, but once it was over, he turned to me and said, "I know I've been an ass about The Red Wedding, but that was horrible."
Though there were quite a few changes from book to show this episode, I'm not going to comment on them out of respect for the dead.
Best Character: It seems almost disrespectful not to pick Catelyn. Even if you dislike the character (and I did for a long while), you have to give it up for Michelle Fairley in this episode during her portrayal of Cat watching her eldest son die, and then living out her last moments in complete violent rebellion.
Best Line: "Keep this one safe, he means the world to me." Osha. I know in a Robb/Cat centered episode I should be focusing on all the great and sad moments at the Twins, but I don't want to. I've been prepared for the Red Wedding since I read it in the book, and frankly I'd rather focus on the good moments of the episode, and for some reason I was massively touched by Osha's affection for Bran in this moment as she tells to Reed children to take care of him.
We'll see you next Sunday for the season finale of Game of Thrones.
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