My Shame

I apologize in advance for any offensive language used herein. 

I feel that if I shy away or hide words, it would falsify my truth.

---

I tend to be someone who stays away from controversy. The "it gets better" videos, Prop 8, voting (as long as popular vote means nothing and our president is elected by electoral colleges, I refuse) but recently, within the last year I feel that my walls have been breaking down. Before I get into who I am now, I feel I owe you a bit of history on who the Amazing Spider-Matt is. I apologize in advance if this gets long windy.

I was born in 1984, to Mormon parents - strict Mormon parents. We never had caffeinated drinks in the house. I had my first Dr. Pepper at a sleepover at a friends house when I was 13. I wasn't allowed to watch PG-13 rated movies until I turned 13, and I was banned from R rated films altogether, (I did sneak and see The Ghost and the Darkness - the murder mystery where the lion did it - when I was 12, double trouble.) I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, so I had to keep all my relationships secret and hidden, resorting to having friends act as lookouts and having girls meet me at male friend's houses. All this subterfuge doesn't really make me sound like a good guy, in fact I was kind of a shit.

The restrictions I had just made me want my freedom all the more. By fifteen years old I had seen over 100 rated R films, smoked pot, and had lost my virginity. I was fucking awesome. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's (except maybe Katy Morgan's,) but I had been emotionally and mentally stunted by my upbringing and it wasn't until this last year that I knew what a monster I had become.

Last year, June to be exact, I went to my very first comic book convention. ACE (Albuquerque Comic Expo) 2012, and was stunned into realizing - for the first time - who I am. I've always been a gamer, I've always collected comics, but like the song "Going Home" by my favorite band Kirby Krackle, I felt like I was home.

I was in a place fully accepting of me and was 100% behind everything I loved.

I met some minor celebrities, Kevin Sorbo (dick btw) and some major ones like Jason Mewes, Stan Lee, and Kevin Smith. As well as a great voice actor, Tom Kane (Mr. Harriman from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Yoda from the Clone Wars cartoons, and Professor Plutonium from Powerpuff Girls.)

What I immediately knew was that not only was I accepted for what and who I am but oddly enough was accepting of everyone else around me.

I'm sure for most people this sounds like nothing, but for me this was astronomical.

In a form of confession, I was raised to hate gays. I have no excuse. I felt this was normal. I didn't talk about it really, so I didn't associate myself with hate groups. But my hate for everything and everyone who was different was complete.

Recently I found myself crying at stories of people finding themselves, discovering who they were, mostly in comics. A gay marriage in the pages of recent X-Men issues. In one of the new issues of FF, someone found that with their new freedoms they are not male - as previously thought - but female, and they were accepted at face value by their brothers. These come first to mind among true acceptance.

Sexuality was not the only area in which I find my previous actions and thoughts archaic. Years ago I recall telling friends and family that I "liked" racism as long as it was "funny," but I would say the word "nigger" without a second thought, and with malice. These things actually keep me up at night now.

Unfortunately for me, these issues varied and were such a long time ago. Now I don't know who to apologize to - or for that matter - how to begin to apologize. That's why this is here. This blog, though not often viewed, will have to do for now. I'm sorry.

I was asked recently how or why I changed, and honestly it really does come from an epiphany of being accepted. I no longer think in terms of "black and white", which is something I feel I learned from Mormonism. the "if it's not my view, then it is incorrect, evil, and to be cast aside" mentality. I know I put quotes there, but I'm not quoting anything specific it's just the feeling you get behind the teachings. Racism and hate is never okay, and while it wasn't taught in church or at home, it was (for me) an extension of how I felt I'd been taught. Due to this, I no longer attend church despite having a love for those who do - my loving parents included.

Again, to those I hurt directly or indirectly, I apologize. I hope that if this has helped anyone, you choose to let me know.

Thank you for your time and I promise a much less serious post soon.

-ASM out