And as we all know, this is not a spoiler-free zone.
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The quick catch up.
There have been three episodes aired since season three premiered ("Valar Dohaeris", "Dark Wings, Dark Words", and "Walk of Punishment") and instead of giving a long drawn out description of each, I thought I'd just catch you up on what's happened so far in each of the Seven Kingdoms (plus whatever Daenerys does across the Narrow Sea.)
Fist of the First Men:
Season three brings us right back to where we were left at the end of season two. You remember season two right? Big fucking ice zombies. Caught up? Good. Post battle sequence that I assume was omitted due to the budget being spent on dragons, the Nightswatch - sans Jon Snow - is licking their wounds while Samwell Tarly attempts to catch up with his brothers. Commander Mormont asks if Sam sent the ravens, their only means for backup and help - to which he confesses that no, no he didn't.
The Nightswatch continues making their way back to the wall, Sam deciding to fall down from time to time being either heckled by his fellow crows or forced to keep going by his brothers and Commander. Once back at Crasters Keep, we're reminded for about the twentieth time that Sam is fat (sigh) and then he sneaks off to watch Gilly give birth to a boy. And we all know what Craster does with the boys.
King Beyond the Wall:
While the Wildling scene isn't at all what I pictured in my head while reading the books, I was easily distracted by the amazing Ciaran Fucking Hinds. For those who know me, I have a massive love for ancient Rome, and to have Julius Caesar himself playing the King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder . . . just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Jon meets Mance and confesses his "reasons" to join Mance and is met with equal amounts of friendship and threats of death should he turn out to be a liar.
Jon then gets to meet Giants and Wargs and Wildlings, Oh My! The warg was added in to explain how humans are able to see through the eyes of animals - so thankfully we now know what to call Bran (and several other characters if you follow the books). After reaching the Fist themselves to find White Walker art in the form of dead horses, Mance orders Jon sent with a group to Castle Black, where they'll climb the wall and attack the Nightswatch.
Jon Snow has been one of my favourite characters since the beginning of the show (and the books) and I'm disappointed that they aren't spending more time with his story and his relationship with Mance and Ygritte. I'm hopeful for more time in coming episodes, and as a fan of book and show I understand that sacrifices have to be made to keep the story moving.
Kings Landing:
If you've forgotten that Game of Thrones offers mass amounts of nudity in the shape of whores, then welcome to Kings Landing! Despite Tywin Lannisters distaste for whores (and smiling), there are hookers aplenty in the first few episodes.
A distraught Tyrion seeks to visit with his father - who has yet to visit him despite his wounds gained from the Battle of Blackwater. Once father and son are reunited, Tyrion states his rightful claim on Casterly Rock seeing that Jaime is ineligable as a members of the Kings Guard (not to mention currently missing), and Cersei is a girl. Tywin goes off on a rant about how worthless Tyrion is, how he killed his mother, how he's nothing but a whoremonger and only still alive because he's a Lannister. While watching this moment, I turned to Matt and said, "Hey remember a few years ago when I was reading the books and I came out of the bedroom, threw the book across the room and screamed, 'You fucker!'? That was essentially because of this scene."
As if Tyrion doesn't have anything else to worry about, he's given Littlefingers job as Baelish is now preparing to wed Lysa Arryn and leave Kings Landing. Not only that, but Cersei seems to be constantly up his ass having a flashback of sibling rivalry. Having Tywin in the capital is providing Cersei and Tyrion with some great scenes!
Back to whores.
Master of Coin and Whores, Baelish approaches Sansa to inform her of his need to have sex with her since her mother is no longer an option thoughts on getting her out of Kings Landing. Ros and Shae catch up to the side where Ros warns Shae about Baelish getting too close to Sansa. When bringing the subject up with Tyrion, Shae has a temper tantrum (that apparently only a blow job can fix) about Tyrion commenting on Sansa's beauty and how suitors will be looking to marry her now that she's no longer betrothed to Joffrey.
And speaking of the reason Sansa's free . . . Margaery Tyrell. Damn. I remember people being all pissy when she was cast as the young Queen to be due to her age, but damn. I'm reminded of how much I loved the first few seasons of The Tudors because she knows how to play that coy, smart, seductive woman who knows how to play men really, really well.
She also knows how to dress for her man and play with orphan children, all things that really get under Cersei's skin. In addition to her many skills, Margaery can apparently use weapons to spark what little sexuality Joffrey might actually have in him, and all this without getting beaten.
Assuming that Margaery learned her skills from her Grandmother, as we're introduced to the great Queen of Thorns who chastises her Cheese Boy while coaxing Sansa kindly to tell the tales of Joffreys greatest sins. I love the Tyrells. They're so smart and clearly not afraid of even the Lannisters.
Dragon Stone:
The Onion Knight lives! But he's lost his fingers! Again.
Saved at sea, Davos eventually makes his way back to Stannis' side - which as usual is attached to Melissandre. In an attempt to out her as an enemy to the crown, Davos ends up securing his own arrest. No one puts Melissandre in a corner.
But the red woman isn't so ready to stand by her man, as she's got plans to leave Dragon Stone for a while. Stannis throws a hissy fit and begs her for another creepy smokey shadow baby. Cause apparently this King likes to fight his own battles, unless he can have his mistress give birth to demons to do it for him.
I honestly think they're going to be changing the story a bit with her and Stannis from the books, because I have no idea what's about to happen.
Harrenhal / Riverrun:
One of my favorite jokes is by Mitch Hedberg. "They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!"
This is probably the best way to describe what the show is doing with Robb and Cat Stark.
Robb married a girl who was not his betrothed last season. Well guess what? She's ALSO not the same girl he married in the books. He ALSO married her in the wrong order. Cat ALSO let Jaime out of prison in the wrong order. Cat ALSO goes to Riverrun where he father lays dying.
But the show takes us through Harrenhal where Robb can see first hand what the war is doing to people, making an extra note to add that Cat is still technically under house arrest for treason. Eventually word reaches them that Theon possibly killed Bran and Rickon, not to mention that apparently Cat's father, Hoster Tully is already dead.
Robb's new fake wife has a conversation with Cat where Lady Stark confesses some tale about how she wished Jon Snow would die when he was a kid, and then when he got sick she begged the Gods to spare his life, and promised to love him as a mother should. But then that didn't happen. It's okay though, because this is one of those fun parts of the show that also didn't happen in the book! It puts this strange guilt on Cat who thinks that everything bad that's ever happened to her family is because she couldn't love Jon. Because as we all know, if Cat had loved Jon, Joffrey would have grown into a nice young man, Jon Arryn would never have died pushing Ned to become Hand of the King, and Bran would be able to walk. Oh wait, none of that's true.
When the group reaches Riverrun for the funeral, Cat says to her uncle, the Blackfish, "I should have been here with him." To which I screamed at the TV, "YOU WERE!!!" The few redeemable bits in Riverrun are Edmure Tully's inability to shoot an arrow, lead an army or follow Rob's orders.
Elsewhere in the Riverlands, Arya, Gendry and Hotpie travel away from Harrenhal, hoping to seek refuge in Riverrun. Unfortunately they meet the Brotherhood Without Banners first, and are threatened into going with them for a short time. When they're found not to be kidnapped persay, the three misfits are eager to leave, that is until The Hound (who has been captured by the Brothers) identifies Arya. Eventually, Gendry and Arya move on with the Brotherhood, leaving HotPie behind as a baker at a local inn.
Winterfell and Beyond:
Remember Theon? Well in the books he does this really cool trick by disappearing for a really long time so you don't have to listen to him bitch and moan about how everything is terrible in his life. And instead, on the show we get to watch his terrible life. House Bolton's symbol is a flayed man. Nuff said I think. Oh except someone helps him escape and now I'm annoyed again.
But don't think House Bolton is happy just torturing Theon! A small band of Bolton bannermen come upon Brienne of Tarth and Jaime Lannister fighting on a bridge after Jaime swiftly pulled a sword from Brienne only to get beat down by Brienne the Beauty.
The two are identified by a random passerby who recognized Jaime, and the Bolton Bannermen capture the two, eager to bring them back to Robb Stark - but not before attempting to rape Brienne (who is saved by the words of Jaime) and then cutting of the hand of the Kingslayer.
Luckily, Bran, Osha, Rickon and Hodor ("Hodor!") continue to flee away from Winterfell. Bran continues to have warg dreams where he's in Summer's body, only sometimes the three-eyed raven returns, and now another boy has joined his little dreamland. The boy, who Bran soon meets face to face is Jojen Reed (a fellow seer) and his sister Meera, children of Howland Reed who was a great friend of Ned Stark. The Reeds are soon let into the group after Jojen makes friends with Summer.
Across the Narrow Sea:
Dany and her dragons.
I'm really sad that the emotions of the book are so often overlooked in the show. Do you know the names of Dany's dragons? I do, because I read the book. Because they are important! Rhaegal, named for her brother Rhaegar. Viserys, named for her brother Viserys. And Drogon, named for her beloved Drogo. This shit is important! She constantly mentions how they are her children, and yet they don't apparently have names in common conversation?!
I digress. Dany and her small Khalasar reach Astapor where she intends to purchase a slave army. But not just ANY slave army. We're talking super soldiers who kill babies and puppies and don't need nipples or testicles! Men who are trained from birth to not feel pain and to obey regardless of command. An army that Dany needs to take back the Iron Throne. An army - as Jorah points out - that won't rape, or murder innocent people as long as she commands them not to.
But there's one small problem for Jorah, and that comes in the form of Ser Barriston Selmy himself! Having been kicked out of Joffrey's Kings Guard two seasons ago, Barristan the Bold reappears across the Narrow Sea to find the rightful ruler of the seven kingdoms. He begs forgiveness from Daenerys, and pleads to join her Queens Guard, eventually proving to be a thorn in Jorah's side. Because hey, this Targaryen only has room for one really old creepy stalker who secretly wants to nail her.
Dany however can't deal with their pety fighting, because she's got some negotiating to do. 8,000 Unsullied Slave Warrior, plus whoever they've still got in training. Oh but the cost is so dearly, and the slave trader knows it. In addition to calling Dany a filthy whore and a beggar Queen in his own language (with the slave Missandei politely translating) he reminds Dany that she cannot afford a handful of the Unsullied. And so the Mother of Dragons makes an offer - one of her dragons, in exchange for the army.
GASP! dun Dun DUN!
Tune in next week for my recap and review of episode four, "And Now His Watch Is Ended" which sounds like a basket full of puppies and rainbows!
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